Years ago, I watched a sermon given by Dr. Billy Graham, in which he used a few lines from a psalm as his text. He was talking about the loneliness that people feel, that sensation of being left out or being left behind. Here are portions of the two verses he shared from the Bible:
“I am like an owl of the desert,”
like “a sparrow alone upon the house top.” Psalm 102:6-7 KJV
Too many people have this sense of being excluded; some have it frequently, others, now and then. But no matter how often the feeling of being left out comes, it hurts. Loneliness is the great emotional plague of our times. We need to find ways to get rid of the real sadness it brings. The good news is that God can help us ease and even lose these feelings.
Below are five spiritual insights to address the feeling of being left out.
#1 Feeling Excluded Can Seem Unique to Us
When you are feeling lonely and excluded from others, it can seem like it is only happening to you. It is easy, in these days of social media, to look at people’s posts and think, “Everyone is happy and together!”
Furthermore, it is sometimes what we see on Instagram or Facebook that makes us feel left out and alone. Perhaps you see a group of people to which you belong and they have posted an event. But, you were not invited. You are not in their photos.
It’s easy to get lost in dwelling on those posts. “Look, they’re together. It appears they’re having so much fun. Why didn’t they include me? What’s wrong with me? This happens so often.”
You see how your thinking can sink? And, perhaps someone has just called and invited you to do something with them. Or, maybe you have received a number of kind words throughout the day, but quickly they get overshadowed and forgotten by the absorbing pain of feeling purposefully left out.
Get a Grip on What’s Really Happening
It’s important to begin self-encouragement at this point. We need to remember with thanksgiving the good things that have and are happening to us. Otherwise, there is a tendency to give way too much weight to any hurtful information coming into our minds.
Remember the kindnesses you have experienced and give thanks. This simple verse, used in a particular way, helps illustrate this idea:
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21
When you pull your mind back to thinking about who and what you treasure, there is no time to think about the real ways in which people have been hurtful, or about the ways we imagine we have been hurt.
Remember, Others Have Been Excluded Too
This experience is not unique to you. You’re not the only one.
We can look in the Bible. We can look around and see so many other people who have been or are being hurt and left out. Often, it is in far more painful and tragic ways than us, too.
Yesterday, I read the account of Christians in North Korea who have been shunned by their society and even imprisoned in re-education camps or in far worse types of incarceration.
Their torture, their hunger, the pain is tormenting to read about. That’s real exclusion and being left out. It doesn’t diminish your pain or mine when we get excluded, but this is true suffering.
Think About the Motives of Those Who Exclude
One in the Bible who was left out was Joseph (His story begins in Genesis 37). Why? His brothers were jealous of him. He was destined to be a very great man.
Sometimes, when we’re left out, yes, we need to think, “Do I need to improve something about myself?” But, many times the exclusion has to do with faults within those doing the excluding. Perhaps, they, like Joseph’s brothers are jealous. Maybe, they are cold, lacking compassion, or are biased in some way.
So don’t assume you’re at fault if left out. However, if you can see something in yourself that needs changing. If God speaks to your heart and says, “This needs correction,” then pray, and with His help, make the changes.
#2 Jesus Himself was Left Out
In truth, the Person most left out was Jesus Christ.
We are six weeks away from Good Friday, the day on which Jesus, the Son of God, was crucified, outside the city. He hung on a cross, tortured and ridiculed. As explained in Hebrews 13:11-14, Jesus was the ultimate outsider:
“The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come.”
Why did the author of Hebrews write these words? In the first place, the writer wanted the people to know how unique and special Jesus is. He is the One who died for all in absolute rejection. In the second place, the writer wanted to encourage the people receiving the letter who were being left out of their society and even persecuted like the Korean Christians mentioned above.
When you are excluded, Jesus knows and cares.
“You keep track of all my sorrows…collect all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 NLT
#3 When Alone, the Lord is With You
Although I have written this before, I want to share it again. I have some favorite verses, Hebrews 13:5-6, about the Lord’s steadfast love for and presence with us. In fact, I love them so much my husband had them engraved on a heart and put on a necklace. And, here they are:
“…God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?'”
Never is a long time.
Furthermore, we can look at psalms like Psalm 139 which says to God, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.” (Psalm 139:7-8 NIV)
The Bible is full of testimony to God’s steadfast, never ending love for us!
#4 God Gives Us Identity and Value
Being left out can hurt like crazy. But remember, as a woman named Patricia Holbrook wrote in a beautiful blog post on rejection, “rejection is something done to me, [it’s] not who I am.”
Yes, people can act as if we don’t matter by leaving us out, but our task is to remember their actions are not our identity.
On the contrary, who we are is given to us by God. There is a beautiful verse, John 1:12 NIV that tells us:
Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”
We are not “rejected ones,” even if people may treat us that way, if we have received Jesus Christ as Savior.
As we get ready to pass through this Good Friday and Easter on April 2 and 4, as people face so many difficulties in these times, how absolutely important it is to know your own spiritual status. If you have never realized what Jesus Christ did for the world, or asked Him into your life, now is the time. A simple prayer:
Jesus, please forgive me for my sins. Come into my heart. Fill me with your Holy Spirit. Amen
Jesus will then be your Savior and your constant Friend. You will never be or ever feel alone with Him. And your name will be Chosen.
#5 Love Someone Else Who Feels Left Out
I had a mentor as a young woman who taught me the importance of giving and being grateful. “If you do those two things, your life will be established and filled with peace,” he taught.
And so, it is true. Give to others and say thanks about the smallest things and you’ll not experience your feelings ruffled very often.
But, if you do feel left out, if someone snubs you accidentally or purposefully, one of the quickest cures is to reach out and love another person. Lift someone else up, especially someone who seems left out and lonely. You’ll be amazed at how quickly a darkening mood will brighten up swiftly. Loving people almost always brings more refreshment to us than to them.
Finally, if you need prayer or encouragement about feeling excluded, please contact me through this website. But, remember, you are who God says you are. No other opinion matters like His.
Have you felt left out or hurt? How has God help you overcome these feelings? Would you leave your story in the comments? It may be helpful to others who are feeling the pain of rejection.
Further Resources:
What Does the Bible Say About Anxiety?
Overcoming Rejection with God’s Truth
Understanding the Healing of Soul Wounds
If you would like to connect with me on other social media platforms, please find ways to connect on LINK TREE.
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Hi, my cell group forgot my birthday. In my cell group WhatsApp chat group, other members birthdays are remembered and many well wishes were sent…but not mine. Even some were forgotten, the next day someone will remember. My birthday was on 2nd may, and it’s already 4th may and still no one remembers. I try not to feel hurt… but I’m still hurt. I always feel left out… many times in my life…it really hurts…
Please help me.
Joy, I am so sorry that you have experienced this feeling of being left out many times in your life. It hurts. And, I am sorry that it has happened as recently as a few days ago when your birthday was overlooked. Is there anyone in the group that you particularly trust and you could tell them what happened. Then, this person could start a birthday greeting for you and within the group say, “I’m so sorry we forgot. We’ll make sure to take note so this does not happen again.”
It will not be good just to absorb more hurt especially when these people are your cell group, meant to be special friends. Try reaching out to one of them.
And when this happens again (you feel left out and hurt) try finding an ally in the next situation and tell them your feelings and what you need. Choose carefully because not everyone will have compassion.
In the meantime, pray to the Lord for some true friends with whom you will be able to give and receive deep acceptance and find closeness. Also, ask God to help you forgive and let those people off the hook who have hurt you. By forgiving them (even if they don’t apologize or change) you will gain more strength and feel hurt less often by people. Build your intimacy with God who will never let you down.
God bless you, Joy, I pray these words offer some help.
I feel like what’s the point of telling someone from my cell group, then it’s more embarrassing…and even more hurtful cause they genuinely forgot … and it’s like I’m seeking attention…and is petty. I still recall when I was about 15 years old, my 4 best friends all forgot about my birthday. The disappointment was really hurtful, and even after one of wrote to me saying she didn’t know why she forgot about my birthday…
Joy, I understand the embarrassment of bringing it up, but what is worse, trying to have a heart to heart conversation with a member and risking looking foolish, or being stuck in feelings of being left out? There has to be a way to step forward for you. I will pray for you that this happens. Maybe the Lord will give you a very ingenious way of connecting with others for He certainly cares about this!
Amen
I can relate to this so much. I am the black sheep of my family and treated less then. My brother and sister are close and I am never invited when they get together. Among many other things.. I have tried to express how I feel they just get annoyed. I have a 4 year old that they are rude too as well and they are disrespectful by cussing and talking inappropriately in front of her. I’ll ask them nicely not too and they disregard it. It seems the only time they talk to me is if they need a favor. It hurts and I want to distance myself from my family. I’d really rather move on and never look back but I wonder if that’s OK coming from the standpoint of being a Christian. Is it wrong for me to break ties with my family? I feel hopeless
Nichole, It is not wrong to break ties with your family. Sometimes we just can’t be around toxic family members until they have a change of heart. Be sure to forgive them in your heart and pray for them. Keep your own heart pure. Ask God to take away any resentment or bitterness that you might have. But you are actually wise to put some distance between you for now. God bless you and help you.
Hi Pam, I hope that you’re still answering comments. I wanted to share with you something that has been lingering in my heart. I have a leader who she is absolutely amazing, she’s incredible and very loving. She includes me as her close friend as well… however, she is also a leader to this other girl who is also my age. The leader is more affectionate towards her and far more loving to her as well. I haven’t received that kind of love from anyone that I know except from that leader. Every now and then I feel excluded when it’s only the three of us. I know this leader doesn’t have malicious intent, she is kind hearted… but even then, it makes me feel excluded and honestly sometimes not loved. I know I still have a journey ahead of me in terms of getting to grasp who God but this hurts and I have been hiding it from them as well.
Dear Esther, I am still answering comments. I apologize for being slow to respond. We had a very rough winter and spring with some difficulties but God is good and has delivered us out of our troubles!
Esther, sometimes, we are right in the way we size up a situation. Sometimes we are a little wrong, because old wounds and pain makes us perceive what we see through the eyes of rejection.
Maybe the leader is showing favoritism, maybe you are simply seeing it that way because of some still unhealed areas in your heart. No matter what, go to God and tell Him how much it matters that you have Him and He has you. With God, we are never alone even if a human friend or relative fails us in the area of love. So good to read your comment. God bless you and may His presence be SO real and tangible that you never feel alone.
Joy,
I am so sorry you felt forgotten on your birthday. I have experienced that feeling before. I have also cause that feeling before, not because I didn’t love and care about them but because I have a hard keeping up with so many birthdays of family and friends. Facebook is a good reminder for many and has saved me many times. However, my friends and I have agreed to kindly give one another a reminder a week or two before our birthdays because as we age particularly it is hard to remember in time. This has worked out for all of us who would never hurt one another intentionally. I hope this helps. God loves you everyday no matter what day your birthday is, and I am glad you were born.
Patt
Thank you!
You’re so welcome, Nadine. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment.
I can relate.. I’m also in a women’s group.. Joined awhile ago.. About to make an exit. Praying about it.. It supposed to be a group were Women are on fire for Christ, but I feel like there’s no unity.. I Joined thinking we are one for Christ and we can pray together war together as one body🙏🏽 but not seeing it.. I’m so glad I came across this post.. Reading through all of it.. Makes me feel a little better.. Always questioning is it me God? If so, correct me and if not make it clear.. I will leave..
This walk can get lonely at times but the only thing that keeps me going.. Is God, so I’ll keep pressing and trusting solely on him..
Be blessed 🙏🏽
Shanaye,
It’s amazing how many people feel lonely even in a faith group. May God help us all to do better – to be in unity in the Spirit, and to love each other like Jesus. You do have God – never will He leave you or forsake you, but I hope you find a small group that becomes so dear and safe for you.
I’m so sorry to hear that, Joy 🥺
It’s not your fault. You are not a mistake and you are never alone. They should not have forgotten. I wish people were more compassionate and aware of others feelings because being left out hurts. I really feel you. Sometimes I wonder if it is me overthinking or if people intentionally do it to me. Happy Belated Birthday ~ You are special and valuable. Everything will be okay because God is in control ❤️
I became close friends with a church friend, but he has cut me off and I now find it stressful attending church as he still goes. Also we were in the same house group and I’ve been asked to leave as he can’t deal with me there even though I’ve done nothing wrong and even he says that. I’m fortunate as I have a loving family and some other great friends at church, but its still painful. I’d like to be reconciled, but I’m not sure he does so. I’m continuing to attend church, but I can’t understand why this has happened and how I can cope with this pain.
Steve,
I am so sorry that something has happened in the mind of your friend so that he thinks he no longer wants the friendship. It is unfortunate that he would not, at least, talk it out. You could accept the parting of ways, perhaps, if you just understood what was going on. But, the good news is that you do have a loving family and some other great friends. It must be hard seeing this former friend at church. Continue to try and pray that you would have a forgiving and peaceful attitude towards him. The Lord will supply that to you though it may take a while. Then you’ll be able to pass by this friend in a hallway or see him in the sanctuary and just nod and say a pleasant hello and move on – not needing him to do anything. I hope you will heal swiftly, Steve.
I’ve good news. The Cg sister (who was in charge of sending the birthday wish on WhatsApp) sat in front of me on Sunday church and she approached me and apologised and explained about what happened. Her hp was sent for repair and thus she didn’t managed to send the birthday wish for me on the Cg WhatsApp. She was really sincere and felt really bad. I was the one comforting her and reassuring that it is ok…that I know everyone is busy.
Before this, I felt hurt, and was praying to God for guidance…then now at least I know what happened and both of us have closure.
God knows.
Hi Nichole,
I really feel you. I have 4 sisters and I’m the youngest and I always feel left out. There were times they totally didn’t include me. But now things are better and we are closer.
Jus pray for them. If they are really toxic, I really agree with what Pam says, it’s not your fault… jus keep praying for them. And pray for the strength to forgive them and let go of any bitterness or heartbreaks they cause…
Remember
Jesus loves you and all sisters of God loves you
Thank you for this article of God’s truth. I needed it, rejection happened to me but it’s not who I am.
No, it is not who you are. You are beloved to the Lord. God bless you and may He bring lots of healing to your heart.
Hi Pam!
This was so needed for me. My friends went on a trip without inviting me and talked about it a lot in front of me. I was hurt and got even bitter to the point of thinking to give up on them as friends. But then your post helped me realized the amount of people that were present in my life during the day that brought me so much joy. Thank you for this!
Angie, I’m so glad this was helpful for you. We ALL struggle with focusing, at times, too much on the negative – and because of that we upset ourselves. Working at being grateful and emphasizing the positive is so important. Paul spoke about putting our minds on good things in the Bible verse, Philippians 4:8. It really works! God bless you, Angie.
My friend and I met with a new lady from church over coffee. After that, my friend didn’t include me in future coffee meet ups, only the new lady from church. I don’t know how to act around my friend.
I am so sorry you had that experience with your friend. Was she a really dear or best friend? You can take several approaches. First of all, pray about it, tell God how hurt you feel, and ask Him to help you respond in a way that honors Him. And of course, we know, God’s way is to forgive those who hurt us and to pray for them. Could you talk to this friend and just tell her, “I want to share my feelings. We went out, the three of us, for coffee. Now, you are going just with the new lady. I feel sad and wish I was included. Is there a reason you’re leaving me out? Did I say or do something to offend you? Do you just feel you have more in common with this other woman?”
I know that’s a pretty hard step for a lot of us – to speak frankly to someone who’s hurt us.
If that feels too awkward and hard, it would be good just to be polite and kind to your old friend as you pray for her and pray for your own heart. You could also try inviting your friend and the new lady to coffee – take the initiative.
I hope you get it worked out. I know these things can consume our thoughts. Please write me again if you want to talk further about it. You can go to the contact page on this site, but my email is pam@pammorrisonministries.com. God bless you.
Hello mam! I just want to share my experience with you. Today we were having our classes in which our teacher told us to make a group where we could present our project work(ppt) she told us that there should be 5 individual each in a group. So, everyone had their own friends and made a group. I went to some of my friends and like told them that can I be included in their group.. but they weren’t also much sure about how to response or like they’re were also searching for people to take them in a group. Finally, they found their group and told me like it’s ok ask the others they might take me in their group.. and so I made the effort of asking my other friends to include me in their cause there were only people but then there was a requirement of 5 people. So then I asked my friend if I could join them.. but then she told that to ask the person in her group so like when i saw the other person expression I felt like she doesn’t want me to in her group..+ she was silent and didn’t say anything. I felt extremely bad and cried aswell. I have no hurtful feelings against them.. but it’s just the feeling of pain that I could feel at that moment. Later on finally my one of my other friend who is a kind person called me to be there on their group.. and consoled me.
Joyce, I am so sorry for this painful experience for you. Events like this leave such a mark – a soul wound – in us. I am going to add you to my prayer list and pray for you to be healed of pain associated with this memory. It is hard to know why you had this happen. I am so glad one of your friends called you, included you, and made the effort to comfort you. God bless this friend. One thing that can come out of this is that you will know how this rejection feels and you will be doubly kind to people who are being left out. The gift of greater compassion for others is often the good thing that comes out of people being hurtful to us. God bless you, Joyce. You don’t deserve this treatment. Find comfort and solace in the Lord.
Thankyou so much mam for your kind words! It truly means a lot to me. Your message was really heart touching for me.I feel extremely thankful to God for everything that he has done for me. God has been so kind, and loving to me. He always brings peace to my heart. I love him so much. Hence I had a great night today with my uncle,(Family friend, his daughter+ missionaries from abroad. They had a huge impact on me. Sending you lots of love from India.😘🥰
Lots of love for you, Joyce, from the USA. Thank you for letting me know of this much happier experience. God bless you so much.
Please pray for me i feel so left out in my job my manager will conduct meetings with other sales but he doesn’t include me i work on small leads only but what can i do if they assign me those i am so insignificant..i feel so hurt i feel like it’s my fault I don’t know know what is in their minds maybe might be wrong thinking they dont like me but that’s what I see. I want to quit but it’s so difficult to find a job.. Suffering in silence so helpless but i will put my trust in God.
CR, I will pray for you. I know how hard a situation like yours is – and how lonely it can be. I am glad you are putting your trust in God. He never leaves us or abandons us, no matter how others treat us. I pray that things will get better for you. Keep trying to do your best and to be kind to your co-workers.
Pam,
Thanks for posting this article. I have recently been struggling with a lot of anxiety surrounding my friendships. I’m in a young women’s group (20-24 year olds) and it has been amazing finding a community and having God centered friendships. I have felt God calling me to bring people together and introduce friends, so that we can all build our faith community, but that has led to a lot of distress for me. I felt secure in my friendships, and having them be somewhat “separate.” One of my good friends recently joined the group and in the blink of an eye she got along well with everyone, and is even moving in with another girl from the group that is a good friend of mine, after meeting one time. I want to be happy for them, but I am struggling with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and fear of being left out. I feel like I have no control over my friendships right now and I’m afraid of being left out or having others become closer with each other than they are with me. I know this is more of an issue with myself and my own heart than it is with them. I am trying to work on gratitude and trusting God more with this, but the feelings of insecurity and shame, and resentment for others, including my friends, is a difficult burden to bare. I would really appreciate a word of encouragement as well as prayers. Thank you
I can imagine that these feelings are an echo of things that have happened already in your life. You may tell me that’s not so, but I’m thinking you’ve felt rejection and insecurity because of circumstances in your life before this current situation. This amplifies it.
No matter what, I know it doesn’t feel good and the primary feeling you named, I think, is fear of being left out. Your feelings are real and are a reaction to the way things have played out in the group, so don’t scold yourself. Think of yourself the way you would if someone else came to you with the same feelings. You would empathize, then try to help them grow out of them so that peace and comfort would replace the hurt. Be gentle on yourself, not ashamed.
I really commend you for being a people gatherer – you are trying to expand the group for the sake of people who need it and to honor the Lord. Not many people are good at this, so bravo for bringing people in. Now, I agree, you need the Lord’s help to be dispassionate about what happens next. If people come in and make a stronger connection with someone than you had, rather than hurt feelings, I pray the Lord will enable you to want them to be blessed in their friendship. (Remember, sometimes bonds that form too quickly and easily may also break easily – don’t forget that. All is not what it seems in “quick” friendships.) But, I pray for you to so grow in your closeness to God that no matter what others do – you’ll stay at peace. God bless you. I am praying for you.
This is Abby, I’m 10 years old and have really been struggling with fitting in at a new school. Everyone excludes me they did try to include me but then they were trying to control everything that I did. I decided not to play with them. It’s a Catholic school I’m at and I’m not Catholic and they seem to let me out because of that. I’ve really been struggling with feeling left out and excluded and it’s made it so hard to go to school. I was in tears tonight because I feel like I’m being tortured at school. My mom read this article to me and it gave me reassurance that I am not rejection, but rejection has happened. I plan to make flowers for all of the kids that have been excluding me and telling them the quote with it that was in the article that said I have been rejected but I am not rejection. They won’t understand but I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle this situation and it will make me feel better to know that they will Be loved.
Abby, I am so sorry you are feeling left out. That hurts a lot especially for someone who is 10. You are looking more and more for friends, even a group at your age. I can remember that. And I can remember girls leaving someone out purposefully. It is a hard age.
I am so glad your mom read this article to you. You are loved and chosen and valuable. I hope you are a person that prays because I know God will comfort you and help you to feel safe.
You mentioned that you are in a Catholic school but you are not Catholic. Could you be a little afraid that kids will reject you for that – and be anticipating not being wanted? Even though you are not Catholic, you can easily share Christian values and beliefs with the other kids – if your family practices them. There is much that Catholics and non-Catholics share. Jesus, in particular.
Abby, I hope things get better for you and I will pray for you. God bless you, dear.
Hi Abby,
Reading what you shared has really impacted me. God is all about the heart. And surely there is great beauty in yours. I will be praying for you Beautiful Abby. You are very loved.
Hi I have been really struggling for awhile where I live, I live in a studio apt in a shared Christian home, I am middle age and so is the other tenant, who lives across from me in house in her unit, there is a landlady..christian woman , not much older, who does Ministry and also in ministry and leadership in her church. I have struggled so much with being left out, they both chat all the time, and go get groceries together and walks, etc.. have dinner together..even tho I have mentioned it numerous times how nice it would be to join them, as I am alone and very lonely most of the time..could use the fellowship…they still leave me out, it really hurts and I struggle with bitterness at times. and really have to pray. it’s so hard as the house has no filter and I can hear them all the time…and see them….I have done nothing, I am quiet and nice, and have even given them gifts and been nice…??? it’s hard not to judge..when it is a christian home and they know I have asked, and am alone…it’s like I am only there to pay rent and not welcome more than that….but the other one is, I am not jealous of her…she moved in after me…she has not been nice to me tho at times. so I don’t trust her..but I have tried to connect with them and even made known that I can feel really left out, and this is a christian counselor, etc..landlady…so it’s hard for me to come home and hear or see them and there is never a ” hi HOlly, how are you or anythihng….” it’s so hard, how do I cope and not get bitter I have cried many times…
Holly,
I am so sorry you are having this experience and feeling understandably hurt. Sometimes it is hard to pray when you’re feeling hurt and alone, but God is always there for us. Talk with Him about how you’re feeling and ask Him for the strength to break off bitter and/or unforgiving feelings. And maybe you are doing that already a great deal.
It is so painful to be mistreated. Here are a couple of thoughts. Maybe you could invite them to your unit for dinner or a cup of coffee or tea? (And again, maybe you’ve tried that and been rejected)
So, we have prayer and you stepping up to be the host.
But, there is another thing you may have to accept and that is these two ladies just may not be willing to change. In that case, you have to make peace with the fact that they want to limit their friendship at the house to each other. Who can be your close friends other than them – that you can invite over, or visit at their homes? Sometimes, some people just won’t “come around” and then you’ve got to let go and figure out alternatives.
Just a quick story – I once counseled a mother who had been an alcoholic, but she went into recovery and was trying very hard to make amends. Her two adult daughters would not forgive her. They kept her contact with grandkids very limited. They met with her and with me to try to mediate the situation. Their way of relating to her was so cruel. (To be fair, maybe she had let them down a lot) But, she was basing all her happiness on the hope they would accept her again. I said to her, “What if they don’t? How will you choose to be happy and not have it be based on them? Because it’s very important that you find a way to be peaceful, happy, and hopeful with or without them.”
And, that’s the same thing I am saying to you. If these two women won’t turn around, release them, be polite, and find other people who will love you and see your worth. You deserve it!
Hi! Ive always been more of an introvert. Recently I was at a family’s gathering and felt very alone. I find thats it’s getting worse as I get older.
I tend to do better on a one and one conversation but its not that I am shy or fear of talking to someone. Why do I feel left out and different when Im in a full room even with my own family? Im starting to question this more about myself and I am wondering why God made me so different. Help!
Theresa, Thank you so much for reading the article and taking the time to comment. I know the situation you describe – feeling very alone in a family gathering – can be so hard. You can be with groups, including family, and everyone else seems sort of “rough and tumble,” able to jump into conversations, banter back and forth, etc. and you feel on the edge. And, you describe, while not being shy, as doing better one on one.
It is good to develop the skills to “survive” in group settings, but some people are just wired differently. They may be more sensitive, more in tune with their own emotions and/or those of others. Sometimes, they are ideal as counselors because they do relate one on one so well. Theresa, do pray for God’s help to overcome this. Ask Him to be more aware of His love and presence. Ask Him to help you strive to forgive others if they exclude you and to be super-sensitive the needs of others, getting satisfaction out of meeting those needs. God bless you. I hope this will improve. Write me again if you wish to talk further – pam@pammorrisonministries.com
Pam,
I am so glad I found this article. It really resonated with me and my situation. My cousins, sister and I used to be very close with one another as kids. We did everything together. From sports to sleepovers. Once we got in to high school, I was suddenly being left out. I remember hearing them have a sleepover in the room next to mine. Laughing and cheering, all while I was crying in my room wondering why I am not good enough to be their friend anymore. I was not invited to hang out with them, or even told that they were coming over. Several times this happened. If I was to confront them or speak up about what I was feeling to my mom, I was told that it was all in my head, or I’m not trying to be their friend, or nobody wants to hang out with me because I am mean and selfish. I was desperate for there attention. I was doing anything so they would want to see me as someone cool enough to be around. I am not proud of the person I was when trying to impress them. I was the only one out of my sister and cousins to attend college after high school. I was not congratulated, or spoken to for the 4 years I attended college. When I was home for summer or the holidays, they would plan trips and not tell me about them. They would say things such as “We should hang out” but dodge every plan I tried to make. I never found myself to be mean and selfish. The friends I made in college will be my life long friends, and we have no drama in our friend group. I think God led me away from them so I can be closer to Him. I would not be where I am today if I stayed yearning for their friendship. I still find it hard to forgive them. I resent them for how they made me feel for 8 years and act like nothing happened. Its hard to see them laughing with my mom and dad and pretending like I don’t exist. Or my sister choosing them over me. I do believe God has done this for a reason and I see why He pulled me away from them. I say I have forgiven them and that it no longer bothers me. But I still find tears when thinking about the happiness they robbed me from for 8 years. Thank you for reading.
Kampbell,
I am so sorry for the pain you experienced for 8 years. How lonely and hard. But I celebrate the way you came to interpret it – that God was in it, taking care of you. I applaud the fact that you could forgive your family members (and I hope the sting of the memory is going away too). Sometimes people just do not see how they are treating someone. If you’re the receiver of their unkindness, you have to learn how to base your happiness on something else – not them. You chose wisely. First God, then a new set of friends from college. I do hope, though, that time might bring healing in your family. God bless you and keep you!
I have a friend and her husband that relocated to another state and started their own ministry and opened a church. They recently hosted a conference. My husband and I were super excited for them. We said we wanted to make sure we attended the conference and volunteered. I immediately booked our flight , hotel and car rental. It was a Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Friday we arrive at the church to help before conference starts. Then my friends husband says let’s all go out to lunch and he blesses us with lunch. We arrive for conference find out our assigned volunteer duties were to greet outside . I was a bit confused as to why we were assigned to greet outside . We did so and I went in early because of the bugs . Right after service we left to go back to hotel I was very tired. Saturday morning head to church we arrived late to serve there was a miss communication of the time we were to be there and traffic we were 45 mins away from church. Service ends at 2:45pm and we helped with clean up. I asked my friend what do you guys have planned this afternoon or dinner time. She says we are busy with church. We leave go grab dinner : go for a walk and then relax at church. Sunday morning after service our friends husband says let’s take a group photo. That evening I’m scrolling on social media . They post a photo of a them out to dinner with the ministers that spoke at the conference and it says we love these peeps. Then they post a separate post of a picture with us with no caption . The husband comments we love and appreciate that they volunteered. Now mind you we have been friends for 18 years and don’t see them often. I was very hurt . We were looked at as just volunteers and not close friends.
To “Hurt,” The problem with people in churches is that they sometimes do long to be important, to “get ahead” in the eyes of others. This is not the heart Jesus would have us possess, of course. He said to us that we should take the last seat, be humble, serve. But, too many people act like your friends did – and are very hurtful in the process. Would it be possible to tell them how you felt? You could use “I” language, that is, say, “I felt hurt, “I wish that _______ would have happened differently.” I stress this because if you come at them with accusatory language like “You didn’t pay attention to us,” “You only cared about the ‘big shots,'” they might close up. I know, because of the fact that they treated you the way they did, they may not be open to hearing this honesty from you.
Bottom line: I am so sorry you were hurt. The very best thing to do is treat others around you well. That is the best correction for a situation that was so hard. I pray Jesus will comfort your hearts. He never sees you as expendable volunteers. He sees you with love!
I started a new job recently after working 23+ years pretty much independently…now i am navigating developing relationships with new coworkers who are quite a mixed bag of personalities and “niceness”. I am pretty sure they talk about me like a dog behind my back and are not very supportive a lot of times to teaching and helping me learn new work experiences. I have tried so hard to be friendly, courteous, thankful, professional and learn as much as I can as fast as I can …but it is a challenge. I feel so defeated and uncomfortable at times. I have been so preoccupied with it being my fault but now I am realizing this would happen to anyone…not just me. It has definitely taught me humility. I pray that God turns things around because I know he orchestrated and led me to this place for a reason. I know he is able I just pray he will
I started a new job recently after working 23+ years pretty much independently…now i am navigating developing relationships with new coworkers who are quite a mixed bag of personalities and “niceness”. I am pretty sure they talk about me like a dog behind my back and are not very supportive a lot of times to teaching and helping me learn new work experiences. I have tried so hard to be friendly, courteous, thankful, professional and learn as much as I can as fast as I can …but it is a challenge. I feel so defeated and uncomfortable at times. I have been so preoccupied with it being my fault but now I am realizing this would happen to anyone…not just me. It has definitely taught me humility. I pray that God turns things around because I know he orchestrated and led me to this place for a reason. I know he is able I just pray he will
BHH,
You worked 23+ years pretty much independently – that is a long time to work mostly on your own. I imagine you have a lot of experience and know how from the things you have done. I don’t know how young you began working, but with 23 years of experience, I am betting you are older than some of your co-workers, maybe by several years with some of them.
I also don’t know what area of the world you are in. You did not say. But I know across the world, the culture of today is a culture that diminishes the value of community and cooperation. “Everyone’s on their phone, competing to look the best on social media,” is the lament we often hear. But there’s some truth to it.
I am glad you say “I pray that God turns things around.” You believe in Him. I pray that you trust Jesus Christ. Remember that He asks us to be a light to the world which we can only do with His help, power, and guidance. I pray that you’ll feel that help and it will make you extra patient, extra humble and kind. I pray that in due season, some of those co-workers will be friends, and some will turn to God because they’ve watched you. Don’t let your heart be heavy. Keep turning back to fellowship with the Lord to be refreshed and kept from discouragement. God bless you.
Recently we have moved back to our home town after being gone for over 2 years. Getting integrated back into our friend groups has been good and hard at times. All of the friends in my original friends group at church have grown closer together and even seems to have formed more “clicks”. I feel like I am having to fight so hard to get back into their lives. This is also after being dropped from a group chat since I no longer lived in the same state. I can’t just stop seeing them since they are at our church and are involved heavily in the areas that I need to be in.
Social media has also been a huge joy stealer to the point I wish we didn’t have to move back into this group of friends again because I feel very left out. My response when I see them it just have small talk and get away as fast as I can. I don’t want them to see that I’m hurt because I feel like it’s such a petty thing. And I don’t want to make them feel like they have to include me because I just want them to want to include me.
I am wondering if this is because you are in a new season (though you’ve moved back to your home town) and you, perhaps, need to be in a new church. Now, your home town may be very small and you don’t have other options. Perhaps you were in this church for a long time and really love it. But this struggle to fit back in with people who have moved on and don’t seem interested in re-adjusting to let you back in seems like a struggle you don’t need to have. Think and pray about whether you are really to stay in this church. Is there any one among these old friends that you trust more than others and with whom you could share your feelings (if you feel like you should stay put)?
I hope this smooths out for you. It is a very hard and painful place to be. May God really guide you in this and give you peace no matter what people are doing.
This article was so helpful and I’m so pleased God guided me to it.
I had an upset and I don’t really know how to handle it. I was invited to an event and was the only one present not in leadership within our church. I love our church but after the event we went for food and it made me feel so excluded. I sat down with my two boys and everyone passed me and all sat between two tables leaving me on my own with my children. There were other mothers with children who were able to be on the other tables. People even drew extra chairs to the other tables and nobody joined me. I figured nobody had noticed but as time went on I was continued to be left. I felt like I’d been brave joining for food as it isn’t the easiest when you’ve got a young toddler. I just felt like I’d have never left anyone alone like that but they all choose to leave me to it. I feel like it was because they just wanted to be with each other but it’s hard to not start thinking it’s a reflection on me, that there’s something wrong with me. I left as soon as I could. I just feel so unsure how to feel now. To me my leadership should’ve acted to include me and now I feel really let down. I am worried about what to say if it’s brought up. I feel like I’ll end up putting myself down ultimately.
Dear Anonymous Lady,
I am so sorry you were left out when you took the risk of going out for food with a church group. Leadership should model how to live with others as a Christian person. When they hang out only with people they know or people that they think are important, they are absolutely dishonoring Jesus and not acting like Him at all. But it isn’t just about acting or looking right. The point is to develop such a tender heart that we can’t stand to see someone left out, sitting alone, looking forlorn. Our heart, filled with the Holy Spirit, overflows with love and we want to make the circle big and include everyone.
Listen, don’t brood, and don’t think there’s something wrong with you. Try doing one of the things I mentioned in my article. Start looking around and see if you notice other moms at the church who seem “on the edge of things.” See if you can talk with them, maybe arrange to meet somewhere, perhaps have a playdate. In other words, take control of the situation and be what you wanted the others to be for you. Reach out and love others who look like they’re not part of the “in crowd.” (Yes, unfortunately, churches sometimes have “in crowds” because churches are made up of imperfect people. Amazing that God puts up with us!) Try this, and see if you feel better and also change the atmosphere of the church in your own little corner of it.
Additionally, if you can work up a lot of courage, maybe take one of those leaders aside, and talk with her. Don’t be accusatory. Just tell her, using “I” language, (I felt bad. I felt lonely.) what you felt at that gathering. Hopefully, she’ll respond with, “Please forgive me. I didn’t know we were leaving you out,” and she’ll apologize. Hoping for the best for you!