Years ago, I watched a sermon given by Dr. Billy Graham, in which he used a few lines from a psalm as his text. He was talking about the loneliness that people feel, that sensation of being left out or being left behind. Here are portions of the two verses he shared from the Bible:
“I am like an owl of the desert,”
like “a sparrow alone upon the house top.” Psalm 102:6-7 KJV
Too many people have this sense of being excluded; some have it frequently, others, now and then. But no matter how often the feeling of being left out comes, it hurts. Loneliness is the great emotional plague of our times. We need to find ways to get rid of the real sadness it brings. The good news is that God can help us ease and even lose these feelings.
Below are five spiritual insights to address the feeling of being left out.
#1 Feeling Excluded Can Seem Unique to Us
When you are feeling lonely and excluded from others, it can seem like it is only happening to you. It is easy, in these days of social media, to look at people’s posts and think, “Everyone is happy and together!”
Furthermore, it is sometimes what we see on Instagram or Facebook that makes us feel left out and alone. Perhaps you see a group of people to which you belong and they have posted an event. But, you were not invited. You are not in their photos.
It’s easy to get lost in dwelling on those posts. “Look, they’re together. It appears they’re having so much fun. Why didn’t they include me? What’s wrong with me? This happens so often.”
You see how your thinking can sink? And, perhaps someone has just called and invited you to do something with them. Or, maybe you have received a number of kind words throughout the day, but quickly they get overshadowed and forgotten by the absorbing pain of feeling purposefully left out.
Get a Grip on What’s Really Happening
It’s important to begin self-encouragement at this point. We need to remember with thanksgiving the good things that have and are happening to us. Otherwise, there is a tendency to give way too much weight to any hurtful information coming into our minds.
Remember the kindnesses you have experienced and give thanks. This simple verse, used in a particular way, helps illustrate this idea:
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21
When you pull your mind back to thinking about who and what you treasure, there is no time to think about the real ways in which people have been hurtful, or about the ways we imagine we have been hurt.
Remember, Others Have Been Excluded Too
This experience is not unique to you. You’re not the only one.
We can look in the Bible. We can look around and see so many other people who have been or are being hurt and left out. Often, it is in far more painful and tragic ways than us, too.
Yesterday, I read the account of Christians in North Korea who have been shunned by their society and even imprisoned in re-education camps or in far worse types of incarceration.
Their torture, their hunger, the pain is tormenting to read about. That’s real exclusion and being left out. It doesn’t diminish your pain or mine when we get excluded, but this is true suffering.
Think About the Motives of Those Who Exclude
One in the Bible who was left out was Joseph (His story begins in Genesis 37). Why? His brothers were jealous of him. He was destined to be a very great man.
Sometimes, when we’re left out, yes, we need to think, “Do I need to improve something about myself?” But, many times the exclusion has to do with faults within those doing the excluding. Perhaps, they, like Joseph’s brothers are jealous. Maybe, they are cold, lacking compassion, or are biased in some way.
So don’t assume you’re at fault if left out. However, if you can see something in yourself that needs changing. If God speaks to your heart and says, “This needs correction,” then pray, and with His help, make the changes.
#2 Jesus Himself was Left Out
In truth, the Person most left out was Jesus Christ.
We are six weeks away from Good Friday, the day on which Jesus, the Son of God, was crucified, outside the city. He hung on a cross, tortured and ridiculed. As explained in Hebrews 13:11-14, Jesus was the ultimate outsider:
“The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come.”
Why did the author of Hebrews write these words? In the first place, the writer wanted the people to know how unique and special Jesus is. He is the One who died for all in absolute rejection. In the second place, the writer wanted to encourage the people receiving the letter who were being left out of their society and even persecuted like the Korean Christians mentioned above.
When you are excluded, Jesus knows and cares.
“You keep track of all my sorrows…collect all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 NLT
#3 When Alone, the Lord is With You
Although I have written this before, I want to share it again. I have some favorite verses, Hebrews 13:5-6, about the Lord’s steadfast love for and presence with us. In fact, I love them so much my husband had them engraved on a heart and put on a necklace. And, here they are:
“…God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?'”
Never is a long time.
Furthermore, we can look at psalms like Psalm 139 which says to God, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.” (Psalm 139:7-8 NIV)
The Bible is full of testimony to God’s steadfast, never ending love for us!
#4 God Gives Us Identity and Value
Being left out can hurt like crazy. But remember, as a woman named Patricia Holbrook wrote in a beautiful blog post on rejection, “rejection is something done to me, [it’s] not who I am.”
Yes, people can act as if we don’t matter by leaving us out, but our task is to remember their actions are not our identity.
On the contrary, who we are is given to us by God. There is a beautiful verse, John 1:12 NIV that tells us:
Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”
We are not “rejected ones,” even if people may treat us that way, if we have received Jesus Christ as Savior.
As we get ready to pass through this Good Friday and Easter on April 2 and 4, as people face so many difficulties in these times, how absolutely important it is to know your own spiritual status. If you have never realized what Jesus Christ did for the world, or asked Him into your life, now is the time. A simple prayer:
Jesus, please forgive me for my sins. Come into my heart. Fill me with your Holy Spirit. Amen
Jesus will then be your Savior and your constant Friend. You will never be or ever feel alone with Him. And your name will be Chosen.
#5 Love Someone Else Who Feels Left Out
I had a mentor as a young woman who taught me the importance of giving and being grateful. “If you do those two things, your life will be established and filled with peace,” he taught.
And so, it is true. Give to others and say thanks about the smallest things and you’ll not experience your feelings ruffled very often.
But, if you do feel left out, if someone snubs you accidentally or purposefully, one of the quickest cures is to reach out and love another person. Lift someone else up, especially someone who seems left out and lonely. You’ll be amazed at how quickly a darkening mood will brighten up swiftly. Loving people almost always brings more refreshment to us than to them.
Finally, if you need prayer or encouragement about feeling excluded, please contact me through this website. But, remember, you are who God says you are. No other opinion matters like His.
Have you felt left out or hurt? How has God help you overcome these feelings? Would you leave your story in the comments? It may be helpful to others who are feeling the pain of rejection.
Further Resources:
What Does the Bible Say About Anxiety?
Overcoming Rejection with God’s Truth
Understanding the Healing of Soul Wounds
If you would like to connect with me on other social media platforms, please find ways to connect on LINK TREE.
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Hi, my cell group forgot my birthday. In my cell group WhatsApp chat group, other members birthdays are remembered and many well wishes were sent…but not mine. Even some were forgotten, the next day someone will remember. My birthday was on 2nd may, and it’s already 4th may and still no one remembers. I try not to feel hurt… but I’m still hurt. I always feel left out… many times in my life…it really hurts…
Please help me.
Joy, I am so sorry that you have experienced this feeling of being left out many times in your life. It hurts. And, I am sorry that it has happened as recently as a few days ago when your birthday was overlooked. Is there anyone in the group that you particularly trust and you could tell them what happened. Then, this person could start a birthday greeting for you and within the group say, “I’m so sorry we forgot. We’ll make sure to take note so this does not happen again.”
It will not be good just to absorb more hurt especially when these people are your cell group, meant to be special friends. Try reaching out to one of them.
And when this happens again (you feel left out and hurt) try finding an ally in the next situation and tell them your feelings and what you need. Choose carefully because not everyone will have compassion.
In the meantime, pray to the Lord for some true friends with whom you will be able to give and receive deep acceptance and find closeness. Also, ask God to help you forgive and let those people off the hook who have hurt you. By forgiving them (even if they don’t apologize or change) you will gain more strength and feel hurt less often by people. Build your intimacy with God who will never let you down.
God bless you, Joy, I pray these words offer some help.
I feel like what’s the point of telling someone from my cell group, then it’s more embarrassing…and even more hurtful cause they genuinely forgot … and it’s like I’m seeking attention…and is petty. I still recall when I was about 15 years old, my 4 best friends all forgot about my birthday. The disappointment was really hurtful, and even after one of wrote to me saying she didn’t know why she forgot about my birthday…
Joy, I understand the embarrassment of bringing it up, but what is worse, trying to have a heart to heart conversation with a member and risking looking foolish, or being stuck in feelings of being left out? There has to be a way to step forward for you. I will pray for you that this happens. Maybe the Lord will give you a very ingenious way of connecting with others for He certainly cares about this!
Amen
I can relate to this so much. I am the black sheep of my family and treated less then. My brother and sister are close and I am never invited when they get together. Among many other things.. I have tried to express how I feel they just get annoyed. I have a 4 year old that they are rude too as well and they are disrespectful by cussing and talking inappropriately in front of her. I’ll ask them nicely not too and they disregard it. It seems the only time they talk to me is if they need a favor. It hurts and I want to distance myself from my family. I’d really rather move on and never look back but I wonder if that’s OK coming from the standpoint of being a Christian. Is it wrong for me to break ties with my family? I feel hopeless
Nichole, It is not wrong to break ties with your family. Sometimes we just can’t be around toxic family members until they have a change of heart. Be sure to forgive them in your heart and pray for them. Keep your own heart pure. Ask God to take away any resentment or bitterness that you might have. But you are actually wise to put some distance between you for now. God bless you and help you.
I can relate.. I’m also in a women’s group.. Joined awhile ago.. About to make an exit. Praying about it.. It supposed to be a group were Women are on fire for Christ, but I feel like there’s no unity.. I Joined thinking we are one for Christ and we can pray together war together as one body🙏🏽 but not seeing it.. I’m so glad I came across this post.. Reading through all of it.. Makes me feel a little better.. Always questioning is it me God? If so, correct me and if not make it clear.. I will leave..
This walk can get lonely at times but the only thing that keeps me going.. Is God, so I’ll keep pressing and trusting solely on him..
Be blessed 🙏🏽
Shanaye,
It’s amazing how many people feel lonely even in a faith group. May God help us all to do better – to be in unity in the Spirit, and to love each other like Jesus. You do have God – never will He leave you or forsake you, but I hope you find a small group that becomes so dear and safe for you.
I’ve good news. The Cg sister (who was in charge of sending the birthday wish on WhatsApp) sat in front of me on Sunday church and she approached me and apologised and explained about what happened. Her hp was sent for repair and thus she didn’t managed to send the birthday wish for me on the Cg WhatsApp. She was really sincere and felt really bad. I was the one comforting her and reassuring that it is ok…that I know everyone is busy.
Before this, I felt hurt, and was praying to God for guidance…then now at least I know what happened and both of us have closure.
God knows.
Hi Nichole,
I really feel you. I have 4 sisters and I’m the youngest and I always feel left out. There were times they totally didn’t include me. But now things are better and we are closer.
Jus pray for them. If they are really toxic, I really agree with what Pam says, it’s not your fault… jus keep praying for them. And pray for the strength to forgive them and let go of any bitterness or heartbreaks they cause…
Remember
Jesus loves you and all sisters of God loves you
Thank you for this article of God’s truth. I needed it, rejection happened to me but it’s not who I am.
No, it is not who you are. You are beloved to the Lord. God bless you and may He bring lots of healing to your heart.
Hi Pam!
This was so needed for me. My friends went on a trip without inviting me and talked about it a lot in front of me. I was hurt and got even bitter to the point of thinking to give up on them as friends. But then your post helped me realized the amount of people that were present in my life during the day that brought me so much joy. Thank you for this!
Angie, I’m so glad this was helpful for you. We ALL struggle with focusing, at times, too much on the negative – and because of that we upset ourselves. Working at being grateful and emphasizing the positive is so important. Paul spoke about putting our minds on good things in the Bible verse, Philippians 4:8. It really works! God bless you, Angie.
My friend and I met with a new lady from church over coffee. After that, my friend didn’t include me in future coffee meet ups, only the new lady from church. I don’t know how to act around my friend.
I am so sorry you had that experience with your friend. Was she a really dear or best friend? You can take several approaches. First of all, pray about it, tell God how hurt you feel, and ask Him to help you respond in a way that honors Him. And of course, we know, God’s way is to forgive those who hurt us and to pray for them. Could you talk to this friend and just tell her, “I want to share my feelings. We went out, the three of us, for coffee. Now, you are going just with the new lady. I feel sad and wish I was included. Is there a reason you’re leaving me out? Did I say or do something to offend you? Do you just feel you have more in common with this other woman?”
I know that’s a pretty hard step for a lot of us – to speak frankly to someone who’s hurt us.
If that feels too awkward and hard, it would be good just to be polite and kind to your old friend as you pray for her and pray for your own heart. You could also try inviting your friend and the new lady to coffee – take the initiative.
I hope you get it worked out. I know these things can consume our thoughts. Please write me again if you want to talk further about it. You can go to the contact page on this site, but my email is pam@pammorrisonministries.com. God bless you.
Hello mam! I just want to share my experience with you. Today we were having our classes in which our teacher told us to make a group where we could present our project work(ppt) she told us that there should be 5 individual each in a group. So, everyone had their own friends and made a group. I went to some of my friends and like told them that can I be included in their group.. but they weren’t also much sure about how to response or like they’re were also searching for people to take them in a group. Finally, they found their group and told me like it’s ok ask the others they might take me in their group.. and so I made the effort of asking my other friends to include me in their cause there were only people but then there was a requirement of 5 people. So then I asked my friend if I could join them.. but then she told that to ask the person in her group so like when i saw the other person expression I felt like she doesn’t want me to in her group..+ she was silent and didn’t say anything. I felt extremely bad and cried aswell. I have no hurtful feelings against them.. but it’s just the feeling of pain that I could feel at that moment. Later on finally my one of my other friend who is a kind person called me to be there on their group.. and consoled me.
Joyce, I am so sorry for this painful experience for you. Events like this leave such a mark – a soul wound – in us. I am going to add you to my prayer list and pray for you to be healed of pain associated with this memory. It is hard to know why you had this happen. I am so glad one of your friends called you, included you, and made the effort to comfort you. God bless this friend. One thing that can come out of this is that you will know how this rejection feels and you will be doubly kind to people who are being left out. The gift of greater compassion for others is often the good thing that comes out of people being hurtful to us. God bless you, Joyce. You don’t deserve this treatment. Find comfort and solace in the Lord.
Thankyou so much mam for your kind words! It truly means a lot to me. Your message was really heart touching for me.I feel extremely thankful to God for everything that he has done for me. God has been so kind, and loving to me. He always brings peace to my heart. I love him so much. Hence I had a great night today with my uncle,(Family friend, his daughter+ missionaries from abroad. They had a huge impact on me. Sending you lots of love from India.😘🥰
Lots of love for you, Joyce, from the USA. Thank you for letting me know of this much happier experience. God bless you so much.
Pam,
Thanks for posting this article. I have recently been struggling with a lot of anxiety surrounding my friendships. I’m in a young women’s group (20-24 year olds) and it has been amazing finding a community and having God centered friendships. I have felt God calling me to bring people together and introduce friends, so that we can all build our faith community, but that has led to a lot of distress for me. I felt secure in my friendships, and having them be somewhat “separate.” One of my good friends recently joined the group and in the blink of an eye she got along well with everyone, and is even moving in with another girl from the group that is a good friend of mine, after meeting one time. I want to be happy for them, but I am struggling with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and fear of being left out. I feel like I have no control over my friendships right now and I’m afraid of being left out or having others become closer with each other than they are with me. I know this is more of an issue with myself and my own heart than it is with them. I am trying to work on gratitude and trusting God more with this, but the feelings of insecurity and shame, and resentment for others, including my friends, is a difficult burden to bare. I would really appreciate a word of encouragement as well as prayers. Thank you
I can imagine that these feelings are an echo of things that have happened already in your life. You may tell me that’s not so, but I’m thinking you’ve felt rejection and insecurity because of circumstances in your life before this current situation. This amplifies it.
No matter what, I know it doesn’t feel good and the primary feeling you named, I think, is fear of being left out. Your feelings are real and are a reaction to the way things have played out in the group, so don’t scold yourself. Think of yourself the way you would if someone else came to you with the same feelings. You would empathize, then try to help them grow out of them so that peace and comfort would replace the hurt. Be gentle on yourself, not ashamed.
I really commend you for being a people gatherer – you are trying to expand the group for the sake of people who need it and to honor the Lord. Not many people are good at this, so bravo for bringing people in. Now, I agree, you need the Lord’s help to be dispassionate about what happens next. If people come in and make a stronger connection with someone than you had, rather than hurt feelings, I pray the Lord will enable you to want them to be blessed in their friendship. (Remember, sometimes bonds that form too quickly and easily may also break easily – don’t forget that. All is not what it seems in “quick” friendships.) But, I pray for you to so grow in your closeness to God that no matter what others do – you’ll stay at peace. God bless you. I am praying for you.
This is Abby, I’m 10 years old and have really been struggling with fitting in at a new school. Everyone excludes me they did try to include me but then they were trying to control everything that I did. I decided not to play with them. It’s a Catholic school I’m at and I’m not Catholic and they seem to let me out because of that. I’ve really been struggling with feeling left out and excluded and it’s made it so hard to go to school. I was in tears tonight because I feel like I’m being tortured at school. My mom read this article to me and it gave me reassurance that I am not rejection, but rejection has happened. I plan to make flowers for all of the kids that have been excluding me and telling them the quote with it that was in the article that said I have been rejected but I am not rejection. They won’t understand but I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle this situation and it will make me feel better to know that they will Be loved.
Abby, I am so sorry you are feeling left out. That hurts a lot especially for someone who is 10. You are looking more and more for friends, even a group at your age. I can remember that. And I can remember girls leaving someone out purposefully. It is a hard age.
I am so glad your mom read this article to you. You are loved and chosen and valuable. I hope you are a person that prays because I know God will comfort you and help you to feel safe.
You mentioned that you are in a Catholic school but you are not Catholic. Could you be a little afraid that kids will reject you for that – and be anticipating not being wanted? Even though you are not Catholic, you can easily share Christian values and beliefs with the other kids – if your family practices them. There is much that Catholics and non-Catholics share. Jesus, in particular.
Abby, I hope things get better for you and I will pray for you. God bless you, dear.