We spend way too much time comparing ourselves to others. Out of this activity comes torment and sometimes some really bad decisions. At their worst, envy and jealousy have led to gossip, slander, stealing, adultery, murder, and so many more awful actions. But, even short of that, comparing ourselves to others and feeling we come up short leads to misery. The good news is that God wants to help us lose jealousy. He leads us with healing love and has given us scripture, a biblical guide to overcoming envy.
You Can Overcome Jealousy and Insecurity
According to the Bible, you can and must break free from envy. It is a destructive emotion that can cause us to do things we would not normally do. Here are some words from James 3:14-16 about this state of mind:
“But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t brag and deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil.”
Examples of the devastating effects of envy are in scripture as we think of stories such as Cain killing his brother Abel (Genesis 4), Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery (Genesis 37), or King Saul pursuing David all over various deserts trying to kill him (1 Samuel 23:7 – 24:22).
It is so important to get to a spiritual state of not yearning for other people’s lives or their belongings, and of being utterly content with our own life.
Here are 7 ways to free yourself from envy:
1. Put your focus on God’s love for you.
There are two things underneath our envy. They are fear and rejection. Because those things are in our hearts, we anxiously struggle to feel as good as everyone else. And, we feverishly work to “rank” as well as others. But, God loves us with the love of the best parent or grandparent imaginable. Countless scriptures tell us this truth. If only we can get to the place of really embracing his steadfast love as true, we will cease worrying about what others are doing or if they are better off than us. There is a beautiful website, The Father’s Love Letter, with a video presentation of scriptures that share the heart of God for you and me.
God is love, and He loves you as if you are the only one in the world. Therefore, He has good thoughts towards you:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
2. Find Your Identity in Christ
There is a beautiful song by Hill Song Worship called Who You Say I Am. In it, there are several ideas simply presented about who we become through relationship with Christ. Our sins are forgiven because He died on the cross. Therefore, we don’t have to carry shame and guilt when we trust Him. “In my Father’s house, there is a place for me. I’m a child of God, yes I am.” These words are taken straight from the Bible – that we are “chosen, not forsaken,” and totally set free by Jesus,
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed!” (John 8:36 NIV)
We don’t need to envy others, watch them jealously, thinking they have more and that they have it better. If you have chosen Christ, or if you make the decision to do so, “all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us.” (2 Corinthians 1:20 NKJV) As a believer, you become “blessed in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing through Christ.” (Ephesians 1:3 NIV).
3. Worship Helps You Overcome Envy
Because we’re blessed with every spiritual blessing, when we have a rising awareness of that in our hearts, we want to speak praise. In singing, praying, and adoring God, our remembrance of how much we have rises. Hearts lift up above earthly conflicts and comparisons. Our love for God as a good, good Father is emphasized and His constant concern for us is recalled. We have no time for envy in the glorious atmosphere of worship. Instead, what rises is thankfulness, hope, and good spirits. Worship contains so many biblical references in its songs, prayers, and teaching. Those truths drive away the lie that we are forgotten and must wrestle with one another for a place of value.
4. Know You Are Uniquely Made
There are two verses that so encourage us to think, “there’s a specific place for me in the world.” I do not have to fear or compete with others in order to have a place and a purpose. These two verses are:
Psalm 139:13-14 ESV “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” There is no one else like you in the world.
Ephesians 2:10 NLT “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” That’s a wonderful word, isn’t it? In Christ, we are God’s masterpiece! And, He planned a specific set of things for us to do long ago. You and I have a destiny no one else can carry out. It doesn’t matter if it is grand or humble. God made each of us to be unique, irreplaceable in His grand plan.
5. Gratefulness Drives Envy Away
The Bible says, “A joyful heart is good medicine!” (Proverbs 17:22a ESV) One of the attitudes that most sets us up for joy and an absence of envy is gratefulness. When we have gratitude, we look at what we have with appreciation and stop dwelling on what we don’t have. Consequently, we have more positive emotions. What we have is treasured. The health of grateful people is often much better as are their relationships.
Let’s face it. Marketing is a cleverly used tool in this age. Television ads, online ads, and so on, can stir up our longing for what we don’t have. Looking at friends, neighbors, and strangers’ posts online can make us feel that everyone else’s life is a “fairy tale dream of happy vacations and large unified families.” We know only too well our own struggles. But believe me, those with lovely Instagram posts have heartache, trials, medical problems, and rebellious kids too. Remember much is not what it seems on the surface.
We recently watched the miniseries The Crown on Netflix and were struck repeatedly by the heartache and struggles of the very wealthy royal family of Queen Elizabeth of England living in multiple castles with much splendor. Their heartache behind the scenes has often been great. Don’t be fooled. The Bible says:
“Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.” (Proverbs 17:1) Some who seem so much better off than you, perhaps, would give anything to lead your life. Think about that.
6. Celebrate the Blessings of Others
This is a wonderful spiritual practice for freeing us from envy and insecurity. Be excited for the good fortune, the blessings of others. If you can learn to say, “Yay!” when your friends and neighbors experience blessings, the chances are that you’ll be next. It is not an easy mindset to learn, but with practice you can master it. We have so much less envy when we learn to be genuinely happy for others. The Bible has something to say about this too:
“Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15 ESV)
7. Giving To Others Frees You from Envy
Finally, when we give to others generously and out of kind hearts, envy flees. Something about giving makes us feel very strong and so satisfied. You have probably noticed this. When you give a gift to someone and they are delighted, the joy is even greater for you. And as a result, you’re not thinking about what you don’t have or who has more than you. Giving generously makes you feel enormously satisfied and at peace. The Good News Translation has a beautiful way of presenting 2 Corinthians 9:11:
“He [God] will always make you rich enough to be generous at all times, so that many will thank God for your gifts…”
In these difficult times of a virus, economic fluctuation, and political battles, our capacity to stay level-headed, peaceful, and content in the Lord is very important for us and for others. We must drive out envy in Jesus’ name. And so, a final scripture text from Philippians 4:12-13 NIV:
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” And then, Paul wrote, “I can do all this through him [Christ] who gives me strength.”
Further Helpful Reading on this website:
How to Overcome Insecurity Using Spiritual Tools
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And always, I love your feedback and comments. Let me know your thoughts and how God is helping you with envy in the comments.
You write with such kindness and awareness of what is needed by those who are hurt and disenfranchised. Your words are uplifting and always edifying and encouraging! This is a wonderful post, Dr. Pam! The people you work with are blessed to have you!
Oh Melinda, thank you for your kind and supportive words. You are a blessing to me and to so many!
So wonderful, inspirational and comforting message. Thank you for this. Godbless u…
I am glad that you found the message to be helpful and comforting. Thank you so much for visiting the site, reading, and commenting. God bless you.
Thank you for this , it makes me realized my uniqueness in God. I realized to wait for my time that God has prepared for me.
Ren, I am glad the article was helpful to you. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Thank you so much for this article. It means a lot.
Sherryn,
I am so glad you found the article helpful and meaningful. Every blessing be yours in Christ.
God bless you. This greatly helped me as my heart needed a reconstruction after conflict and feeling rejected I started harboring ill feelings, not wanting the best for others and not being confident about myself. God reached our to me through this wonderful message here.
Esinam, I am so glad you found help and encouragement in this article. May that state of mind continue to grow with God’s love and presence.
Good work inspiring message, full of Holy Spirit knowledge.
George, thank you for reading this post. And thank you for your kind words.
Thank you so much for this, for a few months I’ve been trying to fight this feeling and this message just made everything better, God bless you
Elton, we all get jealous now and then. It is just a part of our broken human nature. But thanks be to God, He lifts us out of it and gets us over it. Remember how much He loves you specifically. “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1 Now, personalize it! “See what great love the Father has lavished on me, that I should be called a child of God! And that is what I am!” I heard a pastor say that her father could eat anything if he “lavished” butter on it – she said the thought of her father’s food covered with butter made her especially appreciate the idea of God’s love lavishly covering us! God bless you!
I found your words so comforting and I feel like I have a friendly place to go and read and ‘set my thinking straight when I veer off path’. My anxiety is eased.
Loretta, I am so glad that these words were helpful for you. Envy is a big struggle for most all of us, but God can help us to master it. God bless you.
I found your calm words comforting and easy to read. They really helped me to reflect on my concerns and be hopeful that there are better days ahead.
Oh ,you have adviced me so we’ll.I have read this and found profound relief in my soulI wish we could post these teachings all over the world! Satan can never win,in Jesus name Amen ,Eunice from Kenya
Eunice, Thank you so much for your comment. I am so glad that you were helped by reading this post. If there is some way for you to share the post with friends – on Facebook? – I would be so grateful. My desire is that as many people as possible can be helped by the Lord and the sharing of posts makes sure many can hear His voice through Christian writings. God bless you much!
Am truly blessed with this insight of overcoming envy! am now feeling light in my heart and body.
I have really found myself not knowing truly the love of God! that’s why I envy my peers … Thanks so much, May God bless you Mum!
May God increase you, more and more in revelation and insight to continue to enlighten the world with the love of Christ.
God bless you, pastor. May God increase your ministry as you trust Him.
Your articles are so enlightening. I feel that God is using them to open my eyes to see the things in my life that need to be spiritually dealt with.
I am so glad you are finding the articles helpful, Deborah. God bless you in your walk with the Lord.
I have read a no of articles on envy by others on the same but your article stands out. It’s completely a different take and lovely read to bear in mind the easy way to overcome spirit of envy and usher peace and stability. What is your take on jealousy and pride how is it different. Could I know
Hello Reginald,
Jealousy is a form of pride. One is full of themselves and “what they deserve.” So, they covet others’ lives and possessions, and are not grateful or dependent upon God. The cure is recognizing this, becoming more intimate with God, and letting God teach about gratitude.
This was such a good and fulfilling read! There was so much compassion and confirmation weaved into the message… It was just the right compliment to my studies on James 3! Excellent writer! God bless you for this! ❤
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad the article was helpful!
Thank you so much for this article. It means a lot.
beautifully written. I struggle with this a lot. especially because one friend whom I’m close with seems to live a perfect life. I’m wondering when it be my turn to experience one of her blessings. I’m so happy for her. but it doesn’t make sense why I have to wait. why I have to struggle. why I have to pray all the time for something good to happen to me, and for her, good is all she knows. I shouldn’t want her to struggle (even just a little bit) for me to feel better about my life….
Madison,
It is hard when someone seems to have a perfect life, and you, on the other hand, are struggling. But God is so good. Nothing is impossible for Him, and He can make us able to celebrate others joys and blessings, even while we wait for ours. I hope that will be true for you. It’s one of the greatest gifts of God – to learn to be unoffended and not envious. I pray for you to have that great blessing.
thank you for your encouraging words
God bless you so much, Madison. May 2022 be the best year ever for you in Jesus’ name!
Thank so much for this article, I went specifically looking for this and you wrote it excellently. I have same problem as Madison but a different person and definitely wounded soul and God bless you for writing this for bookmarked it so can continually look at it and apply it. Thanks again and God bless you ❤️❤️
Nancy, God bless you! I’m so glad you found the article but I am most grateful that you are finding it helpful. That touches my heart so much. I wish you the very best. I know God is bringing tremendous healing into your life and a bright future.
Hello, thank for this article, it was helpful as I am dealing with this topic. I liked where it said to give to others to be freed, and to celebrate the blessings of others. I am going to continue to look into these things. I guess praying is a good one too. 🙂
Hope you wont be offended, just commenting on using a Hillsong song “Who You Say I Am”, see link below. Thank you for your article.
https://bruceherwig.wordpress.com/2015/06/14/why-i-stopped-singing-hillsong/
Nan,
I’m so glad the article helped you. I think so many of us struggle or have struggled with envy and feeling outdone by others. I know God wants instead for us to have hearts full of peace and gratitude for the life we’ve been given.
Thank you for your comment on Hillsong and the article to which you’ve linked. I understand your concerns and those of the writer of the article. I think the concept of “I am who you say I am,” is very valuable and I meant not to endorse anything further than the idea of the song. So many people do not really believe that God loves them. That creates huge problems for their life and service.
God bless you much!!
I have struggled with envy and selfishness throughout my journey with Jesus. Today He gave me James 3:14 in a stark new way. I am grateful to Him that you put these tools in just this way to understand and apply. I am grateful He sent me to your article as an answer to my prayer, “Now that I know this, Lord, what do I do about it?”
Stephanie,
I find that people who struggle with envy and self focus, often are in that state of mind because they are wounded. Underneath the behavior is a feeling of being unwanted and not good enough. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Ask the Lord to come beside you in old, painful memories and to give you new and healed thoughts about them. Ask Him to let you know how much He loves you. These things will help! God bless you, Stephanie.
How can I stop being jealous of women that are pretty. and and have beautiful figures. I just feel like a nothing.
Rebecca,
There are two scriptures – maybe you know them – Ephesians 2:10 says “we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Some bibles translate this as “we are God’s masterpiece.” I don’t know how you look, Rebecca, compared to the women you are comparing yourself to. I know there will always be prettier, smarter, more vivacious – whatever – people than us. But, I do know this, without ever having met you, that in God’s heart, this scripture is true about you. You are His masterpiece and He has created you for a unique role that only you can fill.
The second scripture I am thinking of is Psalm 139:14 which says “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” You are one of God’s works and so you, too, are fearfully and wonderfully made. Make peace with the fact that there will be prettier women than you always. But, discover how much God loves YOU. It’s in His word and dwell on that. Then, work on finding out how you have been “fearfully and wonderfully made.” What has God put in you that the world can’t do without? There is something. God bless you, Rebecca. I hope you feel better in the days ahead.
Thank you
This was wonderful. As someone who is conflicted right now with envy, reading through this message was eye opening. It stuck me to my core and made me realize that my belief, trust and faith in the Lord isn’t where it needs to be and that I need to follow those 7 steps to free myself from envy and open my heart to the Lord.
Lacey,
I’m so glad the article was helpful to you. It’s a wonderful revelation from our great God – that when we’re struggling to get along with others, our first stop really needs to be with finding more of Him and being convinced more fully of His love for us. God bless you on your journey of healing.
Your articles are just what I needed right now. This will be very helpful to me and my family. I was so enlightened, encouraged and inspired. Thank you so much. God bless.
Esther, I am so glad you have found the articles to be helpful. That is my heart’s desire – to encourage people in their faith. God bless you so much. May you continue to be enlightened, encouraged, and inspired.
My words exactly! I pray daily to overcome envy and the 7 steps will help me. I’ve ruined relationships with siblings and co-workers who I envy. It’s not just the material things that they have; it is their relationships with family and their ability to social with others. These thoughts and feelings are starting to affect my health…thanks for the inspiration to become a better person and to become a better child of God!
Kay,
I am so glad that this article will be helpful to you. May God bless and strengthen you in every effort to step away from envy. Complete freedom in Jesus Christ for you!
Lacey,
Nice to read your thoughts. This is exactly what I arrived at yesterday that my spiritual life needs to be looked into as this development is something I started noticing when I had gone down in the things of God. If we are spiritually balanced, I believe the joy will push out envy and insecurity.
hello, I struggled with this even before I knew Christ and I envy one of my bestfriends she got the attention I wanted and I want her to be happy now but I can’t seem to get over that jealousy, but it like I don’t want her to have anything-but I do that’s what the feeling is but honestly I LOVE HER AND WANT the best for her but that feeling is still there. what if I actually don’t love her and I am just saying this to cover up?
I don’t even know any more please pray for me- cuz I realized its only her that I envy.
I know the struggle with envy is a hard struggle. And the truth is, we can’t “snap ourselves out of it.” We need God’s help. We need a greater revelation of His love. You need to know how deeply special and precious you are to Him. You are fearfully and wonderfully made – just as the Bible says. There is no one like you. Yes, your friend may seem to get a lot of attention and you go back and forth – glad for her and mad about it. But, God will help you come to peace – come to a place where you delight in her good fortune and the good fortune of other people too. And you will be so at peace in knowing God’s love for you, that you can be delighted with other people’s successes – because you know God has blessings for you too. I hope this all comes to pass in your life.
Thank you Pam. This is so encouraging
I am so glad you found this helpful. Every blessing in Christ.
Your words are so timely for my current situation. I hope to apply it and stop being so bitter and become better as a brother in the Lord. Thank you so much Dr Pam.
Andre,
Thank you for reading and for commenting. I hope God will help you and set you free. The one who suffers most in envying others is us! God made you unique and valuable in your own right. And He loves you dearly.
I loved reading this information
Nechelle, Thank you so much. I’m so appreciative of you taking the time to read!
This is wonderful….lately, I have been experiencing spells of envy as friends are retiring and financially secure. I see another 20 years of work life for me ( I’m 56). Facebook is another culprit…it often consumes my thoughts.
John, You are not alone in having such feelings. So many people struggle with envy and feeling like they’re being left behind. I pray that you will really keep your focus on God and receive reassuring messages of His love and providence and plans laid out for you. May you be blessed in your working and surprised by the wonderful timing of your retirement. I pray all good things for you in the Lord. Thanks for writing!!
So wonderful, inspirational and comforting message. Thank you for this. Godbless u…
Can’t believe I’m reading this at 02:58 AM. And I’m going to redirect my focus to God again. Envy and Jealousy are so real and can flare up anytime. Pray!!
We do all get bitten by envy – for some its a crushing trap – but it is a temptation common to us all. I pray that as you redirect your focus to God, envy will disappear and stop bothering you!
Thank you. I am enlightened.All this time ENVY is the root of all the mishaps in my life
Well, envy is not the root of all the mishaps, but certainly envy is fed by a root of feeling unloved and not accepted. If you can get at that and get it healed, envy and other things on the surface begin to lessen. Seeking to perceive being loved by God is hugely important – far more than the time given to teaching and talking about it would indicate. God bless you. Thank you for reading.
Thank you for the enlightenment. God bless
God bless you also. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment.
Such a wonderful message, so anointed. It ministered to me Dear Dr. Pam. I don’t know you, but God had many of us in mind when He made you write it. Thanking God for you
Sheba, Thank you so much for your kind words and for your reading of the message. I am blessed to hear from you. God be with you!
I must say thankyou for this piece, it is just what I and my wife need at this exact time.
I am so glad it is helpful to you. God bless you so much.
Thank you so much for this article I really needed this and I thank I took action to research about this and find scripture based information on how to overcome those feelings. I want to practice these 7 steps on my day to day. I honestly don’t want envy to separate me from God or people and steal me from the joy and freedom that I truly want to live in you know. I’ve practiced in the past celebrating others successes and learning to be content with what I have because I read a quote somewhere that “If you’re not content with what you have now you will mot be content with what your are desiring or lacking.” So yes I find it so important to be content and grateful with what God has blessed me with than wanting to have what the other person has when comparing myself. And I mean I always go back to Jesus he was content in heaven just as much as he was content with walking with the cross. So it’s not a matter of circumstance to be content is a matter of being content in whatever circumstance you’re found. Which pretty much is what the last verse talks about about. God I love this post thank you so much, this is a light to so many of us who have visited this page. God bless you!
Tatiana,
Hearing from you made my day! Thank you. I am so glad the post was helpful to you. I think so many of us struggle with not feeling like we’re enough. And so, we envy. We really need help, as human beings, to overcome this. And we need to keep working at it – not getting discouraged but letting our Father in Heaven help us to grow. God bless you. You said a very wise thing – we may covet and envy but then get the thing we think we want and still be just as discontent. Contentment in all circumstances is the target and knowing we’re loved by God – really knowing it – that is also the target. God bless you.
Thank you
Alejandra,
Thank you for stopping by and reading!
Great writing! Thank you for the blessings of this.
Wes, thank you so much for reading and commenting. God bless you!
Thank you for writing this truthful and well written article! It blessed me! As I was reading through some of the comments I noticed that most of the commenters seemed to ask for help with jealousy in their own hearts. I have been jealous on occasion of others (we all have), but this is not something I usually struggle with. I would like some advice on how to handle a relationship with someone that is jealous of me. I have a sister-in-law who seems to really struggle with jealousy of others, and it is especially targeted at my husband and I. I know this is true not only because of her actions towards me when something goes well in our lives, but also because she has told me with her own words “that she is very jealous of me.” She is not someone that I can completely avoid because she is family and it can be difficult to go to family functions if I know she is going to be there. I often feel anxious before a family function is going to take place if I know she will be there. She usually asks me many questions when she sees me about my husband’s and my financial status, living situations, how many children we plan to have, etc. I would tend to describe her as toxic. On one occasion we shared with my sister-in-law and her husband that we were expecting our third child. My sister-in-law had one child at the time. She told me as I walked out the door, “You better not have 4 kids before I have 2.” I was so surprised and hurt by her comment. We found out just a few months later that she discontinued her birth control right after hearing our pregnancy announcement and tried to get pregnant. Praise the Lord she got pregnant almost immediately, but her and her husband were not planning on trying until they heard our news. It seems like everything my husband and I do has turned into something they feel the need to compete with. I am a christian, and want to treat her as Jesus would, but I also find it very challenging to be around her when she makes comments like I just described. And, like I said, I don’t typically find myself feeling jealous of others, but it has gotten to the point in my life that it is hard for me to be genuinely happy for her when something good happens to her because I’ve felt so repeatedly mistreated by her. Recently, my husband and I decided to build a house. Innocently I answered all of her questions, thinking she was asking about it to be my friend and perhaps things had changed in heart. Later, I found out that her and her husband were starting to break ground in the near future. My husband and I are not quite ready for that stage yet. Normally with anyone I love to see them succeed, but I am finding it so very hard to be happy for my sister-in-law and her husband right now. I don’t like this feeling and am asking Jesus for His help. I hope and pray that my sister-in-law can get over her severe envy of me, but in the meantime could you give me some advice on how to handle this situation if she continues to struggle with this? Thank you!
Jen, what a challenging situation you are in. If this was just an acquaintance or someone in the neighborhood, you could find ways to limit interactions, but it’s family. I am glad your central value is to remember your Christian identity and to yearn to treat her as Jesus would. Having said that though, it doesn’t mean you have to take everything without firm comment or setting boundaries. Keep that in mind. That speaking clearly to her about her competition is still one of your tools in your toolkit.
But, in the meantime, anything is easier if you make peace with it. What I mean is that at this point in time, she is a terribly insecure, jealous, and unloving person. Her motivation is not love for others. But what is driving her is her feeling of being unloved and having no value. If you say to yourself, “this is the way she is and she is attempting to fill a desperate hole in her heart in all the wrong ways,” you’ll be less aggravated. Think of being the child who was created simply to “keep up with the Joneses.” Poor little one!
So, you keep taking the high road. If you can skip a family gathering where she may be present and not feel like you missed out on anything or that you’ll hurt other family members, that’s also an option. Keep on going and growing with your own loving husband and kids. And pray for peace of mind, for change in her heart, and for continued forbearance and forgiveness in yours. Some people (and some family members) are just hard. But, keep discovering how deeply loved you are by God and other people’s bad behavior starts to mean less. I always love reading the last three verses of John 2. They say that Jesus did not entrust himself to any people as He knew what was in each person. I take that to mean that he didn’t let Himself get swelled up by praise or crushed by opposition. He just spent a lot of time with His Father in heaven. We need to have the same wise, canny view. Love people as best as we can. Don’t be overwhelmed by their praise or hurtfuflness.
Thank you, Pam for your words of wisdom and reference to the scriptures. I will mediate on them and the passage from John. This was very helpful. I also, liked your advice on setting boundaries with her or firmly commenting when she is asking inappropriate questions. At the same time, it is important that I examine my own heart. I’ve been focusing on Matthew 7:3-5. I’m sure you’re familiar with that passage. My husband pointed out, that perhaps I am jealous of my sister-in-law. I always looked at it as anger and frustration, but it may be jealousy. I didn’t mention this in my first post, but I often feel frustrated with all the help my sister-in-law and her husband receive from my mother/father-in-law in the form of childcare so that they can both work away from home. My husband and I both work, but we work different times on account of not having childcare and to avoid putting our children in daycare. My mother-in-law often reminds me that she does not have the energy to babysit her grandchildren on a regular basis and she does not want to babysit my children very often. That is understandable. So I do not ask except in emergencies. However, I find time and time again that my mother-in-law is babysitting my sister/brother-in-law’s children so they can both work at the same time and then all be together when they are off work. I believe some of the root of the problem is that my sister-in-law is exhibiting some selfishness and my mother-in-law has a hard time standing up to her and saying “no.” It is hard not to take it personally and wonder why my mother-in-law can tell her “yes” and me “no.” I have spoken with my mother-in-law about this issue because she mentions that she is tired of babysitting. I encourage her to say “no,” but she doesn’t seem to have the courage. I can’t quite figure out why. I’ve actually debated having an open conversation with my mother-in-law on how her actions are driving a further wedge in the family. But, then I wonder if it would be best to make my peace with this in my own heart and not look at this as something that is unfair to me. I wonder if saying something to my mother-in-law will hurt our relationship. My husband seems to think that it would be a hard cycle for my mother-in-law to break after nearly 40 years of showing favortism to his brother. I’m not sure if I want to risk hurting my relationship with my mother-in-law over something that likely will not change. And, like you mentioned in your article, remembering what blessings I have is a real asset. It is hard not to feel upset over my sister-in-law receiving special treatment from my mother/father-in-law, especially since the relationship with my sister-in-law is already raw due to the competition I feel from her. I look at examples in the bible where it seemed as though one sibling was favored above and beyond the others, for example, Joseph. The action of the parent who favored that child does not seem right, but the action of the brothers selling Joseph into slavery especially is not right. I wonder in my life, am I Joseph’s brothers? It does seem to be a raw wound that keeps being reopened as I continue to see imbalances in the family. But, that was what I was getting at with Matthew 7. Do I have an area in my life where I need to examine before I can assertively comment to my sister-in-law that her jealousy hurts me? In your experience is it better to work through these things in my own heart, or do you think it would benefit me/the family to have a conversation about this with my mother-in-law? I’m also considering looking into Christian counseling to work through some layers hurt with my in-laws.
Jen,
I think all your thoughts in this comment demonstrate why you probably play second fiddle as does your husband to his brother. You are the one willing to try to grow and be more thoughtful. Yes, looking for the plank in your eye before you remove the speck in another’s is obeying Jesus. And we always want to obey Him because He has our best interests at heart. And seeking Christian counseling to explore your own hurts and soul wounds is a good idea too.
I think “40 years of favoritism” is a long time and a hard habit to break. Often parents focus on the child they’re more worried about and let the healthier one or ones fend for themselves more. I don’t know if that would describe your husband and his brother or not. Nevertheless, favoritism does hurt and parents need to do their best not to show any. But, It is hard to always get it right.
I think, if you sincerely work on your own heart and thoughts, but still struggle with these family frictions, pray a great deal for guidance, and then try to wade in to talking about one issue at a time. Be sure your husband’s on board with you. When you describe something that’s upsetting, use “I” language, that is, “I’m upset…”I’m worried”…”I have trouble with.” Don’t ever accuse saying, “You do this or that.” Especially, don’t make it seem like whoever you’re talking with is always in the wrong. Be a diplomat, but firm, if you go this route.
And Jen, it will take time to undo things that have been going on a long time. Pray for patience! God bless you.
Jen, When I said you play second fiddle because you are willing to be introspective and try to sort your own self out, I merely meant, that mature ones often are the ones who don’t get attention. Why? Because they’re mature and try to work out their behavior and emotions in a thoughtful way. It’s the squeaky wheels who get the grease or the attention. But, I’m not meaning this is a bad thing. It’s good to be thoughtful, kind, introspective, and self-correcting. But the way life works, the mature folks will often get less attention.
Thank you once again for all your insight and wisdom! You have been extremely helpful and affirming! In the past I have considered all of the things you mentioned, but it is hard to believe them until someone else points it out. Hearing you point out the same things I was thinking is oddly comforting. My husband and I do feel like we play the second fiddle to my husband’s brother and his wife. And, you hit the nail on the head in guessing that perhaps my husband was the “healthier” one. It’s hard to say without sounding proud, but my husband has always been motivated, hard working, and found a way to succeed by always trying his best. And, he rarely asks for anything. His brother, on the other hand, usually tries take the easy route in most things in life and he and his wife expect things to be given to them because there seems to be a sense of entitlement. I would describe them as very “needy.” I have wondered if my in-laws see those attributes in their sons – that one son is very independent and the other is very dependent and that’s why they treat our two families so differently. It does slightly help to know that the family imbalances are probably somewhat due to my husband’s parents thinking highly of him and knowing we can make it on our own. However, it can be a hard thing to swallow at times when we feel so tired and worn down, wishing we had a support system from his parents or my parents (my family does not live close). Then, to see his brother being so catered to by not only his parents, but his wife’s parents as well is like rubbing salt in an open wound. I believe you are right in saying that the mature ones will get less attention. It’s sad that it’s been going on this long, but a son/daughter-in-law acting as a “greasy wheel” and worried parents do seem to be the root of the problem. It is still a hard situation at times to be part of, but coming to grips with the “why” can make it a bit easier to cope with. I will consider all your suggestions, and will not hastily jump into any conversations with family about this. Spending a lot of time in prayer and seeking the Lord’s will needs to happen first. Then, using “I” language if I do have a conversation with family will be very important. Thank you for listening and responding to all these long messages! I first found your blog because I googled “how to deal with a jealous family member.” I was looking for some help and ways to cope with some hurts in my life. Thank you for your time and God bless!
Jen, I was so glad to talk back and forth with you so you could sort things out. I pray every blessing for you and your family. You’re on my prayer list now. Much love in Christ.
Thank you so much for this. This is exactly what I needed to step outside of myself and transcend my feelings of insecurity. Thank you again
I am so glad you found help in reading this. May God help you to grow in feeling more secure especially in Him.
I thank God for using you to speak to me.its been a moment of deliverance
I am so glad you found this article to be helpful and that God brought deliverance to you through it. Praise God. Every blessing in Christ be yours!
Thank you so much pam
God bless you.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. God bless you so much too.
Thanks for this article….was just looking up online to see how i can actually overcome jealousy and i came across you article. I read though most messages and realized a lot of people ae actually facing this in real life and it’s just so sad as i’m currently battling with this too.
My own story is that, i am jealous of a fellow church and choi mate in my church at school cause i feel she is better than me in speaking, how she portray herself and models herself before others… I also feel she is more neat and beautiful and more ladylike than i am. It’s just had to get over this feeling and i get really saddened that i am a christian and i still abhor these feelings. I ty to get over this feeling but it gets more had and had. Please show me the way out of this cause i want to stop feeling this way.
Sabirah, You already have a head start on this issue because you have admitted the struggle and your desire to be free. God will help you with this. Keep talking with Him about it. Ask Him to show you vividly how much He loves and treasures you. I know that there are special things about you that no one else in the world possesses. The Bible says, “for it was You who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:13-14
So, #1 There is no one like you. You are unique, special, and deeply valued by God.
Secondly, #2 pray for this woman that you envy. Pray with thanksgiving for her and for blessing on her life. The devil hates this – when we break his yoke off with God’s help, by loving people and celebrating them. God will pour blessing in your life for your obedience to fight the envy.
#3 There’s no temptation that we face that isn’t common to all people. You are not the only envious one. Each of us struggles with it at one time or another. So be gentle on yourself. It will pass with your following the #1, 2, and 3 and with your prayers.
Thank you for that wonderful teaching. I felt so much joy reading it. It really spoke to my heart. I was browsing through some things on envy, and I came across this. Thank God for your love and obedience to Him. It has blessed me this night. God bless you!!
Teresa, I am so glad you felt blessed and encouraged. Praise God! And bless you too so much.
Wonderful message but I do disagree with you on the part about being happy for others so you can “be next”.
Being happy for others isn’t about us. It’s about them and putting them before ourselves.
It’s a way of loving others and has nothing to do with us becoming blessed too because of our actions toward them.
That is “magical” thinking that a Christian shouldn’t have.
Mariah, thank you so much for reading and commenting. Of course, we don’t want to have “magical thinking” or an attitude that God is some sort of “slot machine,” that if we put something in, He’ll automatically give something back. You are right in that. My meaning was simply that as we bless and celebrate others, our lives are more likely to be blessed. Resentment and envy do not position us to be blessed. Humility, love, and joy in others’ blessings positions us for blessing. But, no, it should not be our motivation. Love should always be our motivation. And obedience to God. And both of those heart attitudes, no matter what is happening in our lives. Bless you.
Great response! Thank you! I loved your post. Helped me so much! Reminded me of God’s amazing love for me! I will definitely pray for those I envy. God has blessed them with unique and amazing gifts as well.
Ferguson,
Thank you so much for “stopping by” and reading and thank you for your kind words. Envy is tough for us all, but God is good to help us work through it!
I appreciate the information that you article. I do struggle with envy and jealousy and yes, I do have issues from my childhood that contributed to these things being in my life. I was wounded terribly by my dad and a feeling of not being good enough has been my constant companion. Thank you for your insight. May the Lord bless you now and alway.
Sally, I am glad the article helped you. Now, let the Lord help you with that idea of not being good enough. You can let go of that by focusing on who you are in Christ. Focus on the grace and love of God for us. It’s time to heal. You can!